Listen- A Poem, By Alexia Jasmene

Listen…

An action that I fail gloriously.

Not that I can’t or won’t or am not good at it,

In fact I find I can be quite in tune.

It’s the fact that listening,

Well listening isn’t the issue…

It’s the symptom those dear know too well,

But it isn’t the root giving life to the lack thereof.

To dive and own why listen becomes contrived,

Is a journey into a screaming silence

Ripping at repetitive entries that have become stuck in a rut…

To find the root and prune it,

I must breathe and move moment to moment,

Sometimes with forms as ancient as we wrote it,

Other times, with the mundane.

At first I try to shame and blame for

Not being good enough,

Not being there enough,

Not being open enough.

This practices my anxiety and the core to my mistrust,

My mistrust of trusting I’m enough,

My mistrust of being able to love enough,

My mistrust of saying correct things,

My mistrust of deserving to exist…

Outside teachers and therapists combine,

As I reach for assistance,

Surrendering that this is too much for just me to mine.

I cry and I tear,

I shake and I sob,

I yell and I curse my fate so unfairly placed,

I breathe and I purge with plant’s guidance,

I experience and reflect what was, could have been, and is.

I read and I release,

I sleep and I sleep and I sleep,

Not able to find energy but to watch stories unfold on the screen,

Cursing my lack of work,

My lack of courage,

My lack of love,

My lack of living…

Waves of sorrow and grace continue,

As time ripples not in a straight line,

Having moments of clarity where I can see those I love,

Moments where I can laugh at the joy of existence around me,

Moments where I can listen to what my soul has been trying to tell me…

“You are enough. You are loved. You are killing it.”

And like a windy Spring afternoon,

That cloud swiftly is spurned on,

Leaving me with old familiar friends of anxiety and despair…

But chipping away and continuing the path,

With endless sleep and naps,

I begin to move and breathe with body connecting to mind,

I begin to feel the depths of my divine,

I begin to surrender control and trust,

Trust my heart,

Trust my intuition,

Trust myself to listen…

My perspective and thoughts begin to shift,

Accumulating over time towards a more loving stint.

Feeding my body, mind and soul with loving things

And finding that allows me to listen to those around me.

The more I heal, the more I feel.

The more I feel, the more reel.

The more I reel, the more I open.

And the more I open, the more the world becomes a loving ocean…

Listen…

Isn’t the breeze nice?

The birds cavorting as the fridge is whirring.

The sound of your breathe giving life to your soul,

And if you listen very carefully, 

Then you may discover what you already know.